X-TREME WORMHOLE
by Gene Este Danvers
Summary: SG-1 discover that there is fanfiction being written about their X-Treme Wormhole counterparts. Some fanfiction is written, some egos are dented and some Xena fixations come to light. Warning: a pancreas did burst somewhere while reading this fic
1. X-TREME WORMHOLE

X-Treme Wormhole 

**Genie's Notes: As this was Danvers' evil conception, I'd like to thank her first and foremost. Not alot of people know the extent of her deviousness. Love you, Danvs *grin*. Second, I'd like to thank Mag Rennie for egging us on without knowing it, Perrin the Great Divanity, and The Guild, whose talent and perversion know no bounds. For my part, I did little, but I enjoyed the hell out of it. Enjoy! **

**Danver's Knots: So humble! Gah, sickening. Hey, you're as twisted if not more. That's right, we show ourselves as The Twisted Sisters. Ditto on the thanks to the Guild - being a part of this talented and twisted bunch (yes...I speak of you minion of the HaT, Perrin) has rubbed off. Big hey to Margarita, you're a good sport and this fic is especially for you from Genie and I. **

**Additional thanks to Anais for misuse of her lovely fic Dr Jackson's Diary. For the readers; hope you enjoy this fic as much as we enjoyed writing.**

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**CHRIST'S COSMIC WORMHOLE**

CHRIST'S COSMIC WORMHOLE. Jesus' Lost Legacy and the ... I also noted the _**extreme**_ importance of understanding that the ... in some high-energy _**physics**_ lab like Oak Ridge ... 

**IF A BLACK HOLE AND A WHITE HOLE WERE BACK TO BACK, COULD...**

... of energy. Black holes can provide _**extreme**_ amounts of energy. Would this ... back, could this be a _**wormhole**_? ... Library for more information on _ **Physics**_. MadSci Home. ...

**PHYSICS THAT MAKES STAR TREK PLAUSIBLE**

... holding the nucleus, via _**extreme**_ heat, to create pure energy ... leaking back into the **_wormhole_** thus it causing its ... all paradoxes will occur. _**Physics**_ rule #1: If it ... 

**EXTREME WORMHOLE - LADY GODIVA'S SLASH SITE**

_._..Lady G's slash archive. I must warn you now that this site contains fiction where two male characters from _**Extreme Wormhole **_ are having a **_physic_**al relationship and may...

  


**__**

**_LADY GODIVA'S SLASH SITE_**

**_X-TREME WORMHOLE   
_ **

_**Welcome to **__**Lady G's slash archive. I must warn you now that this site contains fiction where two male characters from X-Treme Wormhole are having a roaringly loud physical relationship. If this squicks you, then get bent and get lost. If you're not old enough, come back when you are. If you're sure you're supposed to be here then click on ENTER. Any comments should be directed towards Lady G at Ladylovesslash@slashdomain.com Slash on readers!!!!! **_

  
  
  
  
  


Sam hurriedly slammed the laptop shut. Two or more males having sex. A loving relationship?  
"What's love got to do with it?" Sam muttered under her breath.   
  
She tried to think straight for a moment. She knew that Jack got quite a kick out of watching the show X-Treme Wormhole. But then he also had the maturity of an extremely immature teenager. Daniel? Actually, she wasn't sure if he did watch anything on television. Teal'c? He watched everything and anything on TV. He said he found it a great source of cultural information. Nobody wanted to ask what exactly Xena: Warrior Princess had to do with cultural information. Jack just sniggered.   
  
Sam opened the laptop and stared at the screen. The chances were that whatever lay behind that **ENTER** was bad. Really bad. Did she really want to go into that kind of territory? She drummed her fingers on the worktop as she thought about her next step. Then in a flash she clicked on the **ENTER**. Her heart jumped and she slammed the laptop shut and stepped away from it.   
  
"For cryin' out loud, this is SG-1 they're writing about," she muttered to herself. The show may have changed the characteristics to an extent and given them different names, but she knew who they were. Everyone on base knew who they were. She decided she needed to stop thinking with the female mentality that screamed 'one guy is hot but two guys are hotter' and decided she would seek out a nice intelligent conversation with a high I.Q. She switched the laptop off and left her office.   
  


**X**

  
  
Daniel observed the screen closely and watched the interaction between the two men. He had seen it many times but it never ceased to fascinate him. It was a classic game of cat and mouse. But as usual, the movie would fall prey to the notions of good always truimphing over evil. Where Belloq had always had the upper hand, in the end he would be smitten. Even if it would only take a nudge to make Jones like him. Daniel carefully examined the exchange between the two men and pondered the significance of whether the bad guy wearing a white suit meant anything. But then, they were in Egypt and wearing black in that kind of heat just wasn't practical. Even if in Westerns the bad guys did brave the sun in their black outfits and hats. It was wonder they didn't die of heat stroke before they went around killing the Indians. Daniel stilled his thoughts for a moment as his favorite part came up.  
  
"The ark is a radio for speaking to God."  
"You wanna talk to God? Let's both go see him together," Daniel mouthed the words as always.   
  
"Hey Daniel," Sam's voice suddenly broke the tension of the movie. Daniel quickly hit the keys on the keyboard and restarted the computer.   
"What are you up to?" Sam sauntered over to his desk.   
"I was just checking over the footage from that temple. Computer crashed."   
Sam frowned, "Really? That shouldn't be happening. You should get it checked out, might be a bug or something. Want me to take a look?"   
"Uh...no...no, that's okay. I was just...running too many programmes at one time I guess," Daniel said clearing the lies from his throat. If anyone found out about his small Indiana Jones fixation, his teammates would never let him hear the end of it.  
"You wanna get a coffee or something?"   
"Uh...could it wait about half an hour? Just some stuff I need to finish up," Daniel said re-logging on to the computer.   
"Sure. I'll meet you in the commissary," Sam began to walk away.  
Reaching the door she stopped and slowly turned to look at Daniel.   
"Daniel? You...surf the net alot?"   
Daniel nodded, "Sure. It's an invaluable source of information. Why?"   
"What do you think about the creative side of it?"   
"Creative?" Daniel frowned.   
"Yeah, you know, creative. Artists, musicians...writers."   
"Oh. Well, I haven't really come across anything like that, although there is an amateur archeologist out there whose speculations about the Nazca lines are very intriguing. Of course all the traditional academics are probably laughing at him but they have no idea how close to the truth he might be."   
"There's a lot of...weird stuff too," Sam said nonchalantly.   
"Well, it is a sort of a breeding ground for lunatics and crazy people. Why?" Daniel said suspiciously.   
"No reason. Just came across a site that thinks George Bush is an alien."   
"Isn't he?" Daniel smiled.   
Sam smiled back, "Well...I'll see you in half an hour. I'd say don't work too hard but you never listen. I should probably get some work done too."   
  
Daniel nodded and watched Sam walk out. The woman had an immense capacity to be kooky at times. It was a nice side of her that he relished seeing. Daniel sighed as the DVD came back on. He quickly found his scene and went back to 'work'.   
"Aah. Doctor Jones. Please...sit down before you fall down."   
  


** X **

  
  
Sam closed the door to the lab and went back to the laptop. There it was. **ENTER**. It seemed to be getting larger and larger and larger until the whole screen screamed **ENTER**.  
"Well...it's like research. I thought I should have a look at it in the name of security. Right. That's a good reason," Sam muttered as she clicked and entered.   
"Here goes nothing," she smiled wickedly as she clicked the enchantingly titled 'Loves Labors Through The Wormhole'.  
  


** X **

  
Janet sat her desk finishing the last of the physical evaluations. There was a quiet knock on the door.   
"Come in."   
Sam walked in, closed the door quietly and then closed the blinds in the office. She then sat down opposite Janet at the desk and smiled.   
Janet shut the file and smiled at the mischievous look on Sam's face. She leaned back in her chair and smiled back.   
"Sam?"   
"Janet," Sam said quietly.   
"What?" Janet leaned forward on the desk.   
"Can we...talk?"   
"Oh my God. You and Jack?"   
"No no no. Nothing like that."   
"Then?"   
"You ever surf the net?" Sam idly played with the corner of a file on Janet's desk.   
"Sure, it's the only place you can have a committed relationship where the man doesn't get a chance to screw you before he leaves."   
"Janet!"   
"What? I'm kidding, but yes, I have surfed the net, much to my shame. I was helping Cassie with a project and got sidetracked by a chat room for people with turnip fixations. Why?"   
"I found something."   
Janet frowned, "What?"   
"Slash."   
"The guitarist?"   
"Nope. It's...well...I can't explain it."   
"Well try, I'm intrigued. You look too...guilty. This has to be something disgusting."   
"Okay. Slash is basically fiction written by fans where the protagonists are involved in homosexual relationships."   
Janet leaned back frowning, "Go on."   
"Janet. You still watching X-treme Wormhole?"   
"Yeah. Cassie loves it."   
"Well, it seems the show has a fan following. There's a whole bunch of people out there writing fiction around the show."   
"Uh huh."   
"Some of them are writing slash fiction. About two certain characters."   
"Oh?"  
"A certain colonel and archeologist to be exact."   
Janet stared at Sam, her mouth hanging wide open and her eyes stuck on glare.   
"Oh my god," she said finally.  
"That's what I thought."   
"Oh my god."   
"I know."   
"Did you read it?"  
"You bet I did."   
"Sam!"   
"I was curious. You should read this stuff."   
"Sam I'm a grown woman. A professional. A mother. This isn't high school."   
Sam slapped a page on to the desk. Janet stared at it.  
"What's this?"   
"Love's Labors Through The Wormhole. Or the best part of the wormhole."   
Janet looked down at the page, "I'm not going to read this."   
Sam got up and started to walk towards the door.   
"I won't read this Sam. You might as well just take it with you."   
Sam waved and walked out.   
Janet stared at the crumpled page. One word stuck out like a sore...thumb. Yes. Yes! YES! **YES!!!! **  
Janet picked up the page and started to read.  
Suddenly the door flung open and Sam stood there with a huge smile on her face.   
"Knew you couldn't resist. Oh and by the way? A chat room for people with turnip fixations? Janet...we should talk."   
  


** X **

  
"So basically sir, I don't think it's anything to worry about. The spores acted the way they did because we brought them through the wormhole and exposed to them to a different environment. Everyone's symptoms seemed to have cleared up," Janet said closing the file.   
She looked up and stared at the people around the briefing table. They all sat there with their inflamed sinuses after days of what seemed like hay fever from hell. They did not look like happy campers. Days of quarantine on the base had not helped.  
"Well," Hammond sniffed, "I'm glad to hear it doctor. Okay, we'll keep quarantine for a further week and hopefully by then this mess'll be completely cleared up."   
Hammond almost got away with the usual General George Hammond routine when his nose itched and he sneezed. Everyone looked back at him through watery eyes.   
"Dismissed...Doctor Frasier, a word?" he said clearing his throat and disappearing into his office with Janet in tow.   
"Well, this sucks," Jack said glumly.   
"Yes it does," Daniel added.   
"Hey, you're used to it."   
  


"Uh, I take medication for it Jack which means I find this as annoying as you do. In fact I almost find it as annoying _as_ you." Jack rolled his eyes as they heard Hammond explode another sneeze in his office.   
Teal'c watched quietly. He felt fine due to the wonder drug that was Junior. He had watched for days now the red noses on base sneezing every five seconds. He had found it quite humorous. But not as interesting as something else. Dr Frasier and MajorCarter. He had noticed for days now that the two women constantly exchanged hidden looks and smiles. Furthermore, when this happened, DanielJackson and Colonel O'Neill were always in the vicinity. Something was definitely afoot. 

  


**X**

  
"I'm telling you, Sam, as a doctor, two men can _not_ get into that position," Janet said, waving at the computer screen and glaring at Sam.  
"Oh, come on, Janet," she scrolled down, "are you telling me they couldn't get into _that_ position?"  
Janet's eye widened as she read the paragraph. She tilted her head to the side, imagining the picture in her mind.  
"Sure. But I can't see how that would be comfortable."   
"O-o-oh. Wait a second," She tilted her head to other side incredulously, "you're kidding. There are illustrations?"  
"Yep." 

Janet nodded, "Those are illustrations if I've ever seen any."  
Sam cleared her throat and stole a glance at the blushing doctor.   
"Gotta wonder how they got that view in there."  
"There's a 'there' in there?"  
"Yeah, right there."  
"That's no 'there'. That's barely enough room to fit their...their uh..." she made motions with her hands.  
"For God's sake, Janet, aren't doctors supposed to be comfortable with this sort of thing?"  
"'This sort of thing'? When was the last time you saw a doctor comment on the ... the ...girth of two very horny men?"  
"Last post-mission check up?"  
"Yeah...well, I'm single and I was impressed. What can I say?" 

A knock sounded on the door. Sam and Janet both reached to switch the monitor off at the same time. Sam got there first as they both looked up to see Jack walking in.   
"Hey," Jack said walking in, hands in pockets, "what's going on?"   
"Nothing," Janet and Sam chimed together. Jack threw them both a suspicious look.   
"Actually, Janet and I were just having a girl talk."   
"Girl talk?" Jack lifted his eyebrow.   
"Yeah. Advil just doesn't do the trick like it used to," Sam smiled innocently.   
"Oh," Jack seemed immediately flustered.   
"I was just telling Sam that period pain..."   
"You know I just remembered that I have a pile of reports on my desk that need stuff doing to and I'm leaving right now this instant, see ya," Jack spoke at spitfire speed and walked out of the lab so fast he almost ran down an SF.   
  
They both sighed with relief as he disappeared. Janet shook her head and looked at Sam, "What is it with men and periods?"   
"I dunno. Probably the castration thing," Sam shrugged.   
"Sam, that's disgusting. Freud? How could you?"   
"What?"   
"It's not all penis Sam."   
"Oh yeah? Wanna explain why we're hooked on slash?"   
Janet looked lost in thought for a moment.   
"Two guys are hotter than one?"   
Sam shrugged, "Works for me."   
  


**X**

  
Teal'c sat quietly drinking his coffee. Daniel was reading a small dusty book, his coffee already half drunk and Jack sat opposite them both coffee and donut in front. Both were untouched.   
"Are you not well O'Neill?"   
"I'm fine. Why?"   
"You seem preoccupied."   
  
Daniel looked up from his book, a momentary look of thought crossing his eyes, "Teal'c's right. You do seem a little...preoccupied."   
"You could say that."   
"What is the cause of your preoccupation O'Neill?" Teal'c said reaching for the untouched donut. Jack snatched it away and Teal'c smiled, cocking his eyebrow.   
"Something...is not right."   
"Like?" Daniel closed his book and focused his full attention on Jack.   
"I dunno. Something. See that table in the corner? No! Don't stare Teal'c."   
"You asked for us to look O'Neill."   
"I meant discreetly."   
  
Daniel and Teal'c shot discreet looks at the table. Four nurses sat with green folders and eyes fixed on the contents within.   
Teal'c and Daniel turned back and looked at Jack.   
"Nothing weird right? Now look at the table behind me."   
Both Teal'c and Daniel leant discreetly to their right and looked at the table behind. Three female SF's sat absorbed in reading white pages of typed writing. When one would finish she would pass the page to the next.   
Daniel and Teal'c returned to their previous positions. Teal'c cocked his eyebrow at Jack.   
Daniel looked at Jack who sat quite serious and grim, "I think we may have a situation."   
  


**X**

  
"Are you out of your mind Colonel?" Hammond said looking up at Jack.   
"Sir, I can see how usually this kind of suggestion may seem crazy, but I agree with Jack."   
"Dr Jackson, do you both have any proof?"  
"General Hammond. I am also inclined to agree with Colonel O'Neill and DanielJAckson. We have noticed for days now that the female staff of the SGC has been behaving quite strangely. They have been most quiet and subdued." "Teal'c's right sir. It's weird. Even Carter. They all seem edgy and if you approach them they look like they've been caught."   
"Caught doing what?"   
"Well, that's what we need to find out. There is something that's making the women paranoid and it's not affecting the men. Sir, do you remember what happen with Hathor? Only the men were affected, well, besides Teal'c. What if we've come into contact with some chemical that's making them act...well, weird, for lack of a better term. Something that doesn't affect the men. I mean it is plausible."   
Hammond leaned back in the chair and thought for a moment. A knock at the door sounded.   
"Come in."   
  
A young lieutenant walked in. She seemed quite unsettled when she noticed that Teal'c, Daniel and Jack were there. The room watched as she instantly avoided all eye contact with SG-1 and slightly reddened.   
"Sir, SG-5 just sent back a message from P329X10. It seems Dr. Henrik's translation may have caused a tribal war."   
Hammond rolled his eyes, something no one in the room had ever witnessed before.   
"I'll be there in a second Lieutenant," he said wearily.   
"Did you see that?" Jack said as soon as she'd left, "Come on sir. You must have seen that look."   
"I'm afraid I did."   
"Perhaps this is an effect of the spore samples we brought back from P78X30," Teal'c said.   
"I'll have Dr Frasier look into this," Hammond said getting up and heading towards the door.  
"What if it's affected her?" Daniel said.   
"We'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it Dr Jackson."   
They stood in the briefing room as they watched Hammond disappear down the stairs.  
"What do you think?" Daniel said.   
"Well, I think it's nice for the chicks to be going crazy for a change."   
"Right. Maybe Dr Frasier should check you out too."   
"I believe O'Neill's problems are incurable DanielJackson," Teal'c said as he and Daniel left a scowling Jack standing in the middle of the briefing room.   
  


**X**

  
"Are you serious?" Sam said horrified.   
"Apparently some of the male staff have noticed that the women on base are walking around looking dazed and paranoid."   
"I feel like laughing, but I'm not sure if I can."   
"It's not a laughing matter. I never thought it would go this far. I never should have given that story to Alice. It was all over the base within twenty-four hours."   
"Now what?" Sam said.   
"Well, I've already talked to the infirmary staff to not make it so obvious. Hopefully they'll tone it down a bit."   
"Right, I'll get to the others."   
"So, have you been working on that thing I sent you?" Janet went back to the file in hand.   
"Oh yeah. Got it this morning. It was great."   
"Really? You think so?" Janet beamed.   
"Yep. I'll mail you my part tonight."   
"Excellent. Hey, why don't you come over tonight. We'll watch the show, have some wine. Girls night."   
Sam smiled and nodded, "That'd be great. And we can work on the project."   
"What project?"   
  
The voice stunned them both. They both turned around to see Daniel standing behind them.   
"Hey Daniel," they both said in unison to their annoyance.   
"Hey. What's uh...what's going on?"   
"Nothing," they both replied simultaneously again. Daniel watched as the two women closed their eyes at their joint reply.   
"Is everything okay?"   
Sam looked at Janet and then smiled, "Girl stuff Daniel."   
"Oh."   
"You know women Daniel, a million pains to endure."   
"Right," Daniel said, his face slightly reddening.   
"Yeah, this month it's the cramps from hell," Sam grimaced to indicate her discomfort.   
"Oh...um...well, actually, there's a herbal remedy you can make...for that uh...that...problem. Sha're often made it for her...her um...herself. But, you'd probably need to go to Abydos for the...herbs...I...I have to go now," Daniel said before further embarrassing himself and then almost ran from the infirmary, in the process of which he walked into almost all the staff and tripped over his own feet.  
"I've never appreciated my ovaries so much until this point. Really I haven't," Janet said looking at the doorway through which Daniel had sprinted out.   


** X**

  
Teal'c sat silently in his meditative pose, his gaze fixed. Jack sat on one side and Daniel on the other. They all stared ahead in silence. And then...  
"There is definitely something weird going on," Jack said.   
"I know. And it has nothing to do with spores," Daniel said quietly.  
"Then perhaps the women are concealing something. Something that is making them paranoid," Teal'c said.   
"Right. But what?" Jack said.   
"I'm beginning to feel a little paranoid myself," Daniel said.   
"Yeah?"  
"Feel like I'm being watched. Like...I don't know."   
"I get that. I feel like I'm being watched and when I look up it's as though they're pretending they never looked."   
Daniel stared past Teal'c, "That's weird. That's exactly how I feel."   
  
Jack looked past Teal'c to stare at Daniel, "It's like the pod people," Jack said quietly as though it was a matter of national security.  
"Pod...people?"   
"We've had a foothold situation before Daniel. For all we know there may be a corner of this mountain where all the real women are covered in goo."   
"I'm sorry...you think I'm a flake?"   
Jack looked away annoyed and went back to staring ahead. Daniel decided on the same.   
"I can't believe how inaccurate this is," Daniel mumbled.   
"Hey, two chicks. One's blonde and the other's in leather. Who gives a shit about accuracy?"   
Daniel stared at Jack as he happily munched on a chocolaty snack bar.   
"You know, it's these Jack O'Neill moments I miss the most when I'm not here."   
Jack, narrowing his eyes, looked at Daniel and gave a closed mouth 'kiss my ass' smile to which Daniel rolled his eyes and looked away.   
"This Lucy Lawless. She is most attractive," Teal'c said his eyes fixed on the screen ahead.   
Daniel and Jack simply stared at the completely peaceful Jaffa.   
  


**X**

  
"There's something weird going on with Carter and Frasier," Jack said removing his feet from his desktop.   
Daniel shifted in his chair, "You mean along with all the other women."   
"No. I mean Carter and Frasier especially. You haven't noticed anything?"   
Daniel thought for a moment. Everyone knew that Janet and Sam were especially close, but recently they'd been joint at the hip.   
"Actually, come to think of it, they have been acting kind of strange."   
"Yeah. You know what Daniel? I'm guessing, we find what they're both up to we can clear up this whole pod people mystery."   
"There is no pod people mystery Jack, you just like saying the words pod people."   
"Smartass," Jack got up from the desk and headed towards the door, Daniel behind him, "So, coming over tonight?"   
"Yeah. Eight okay?"   
"Sure," Jack stepped out into the corridor, "Oh and don't bring that European beer. It tastes like crap."   
  
They started to walk down the corridor towards the commissary when a very eager SF rounded the corner and rammed into Jack. Jack stumbled back and landed on top of Daniel who subsequently ended up on the floor with Jack lying on top.   
"I'm sorry sir," the SF said nervously as he looked down.   
At that point two nurses came around the corner on their way back to the infirmary. Their eyes widened at the scene in front. Their faces slightly reddened and then they both smiled at each other. Smiling at the fallen men they hurried away.   
Jack sat up his eyes following their forms around the corner, "Well, that was interesting."   
"It was?" Daniel said painfully.   
"You didn't see that?"   
"I was too busy trying to feel whether you cracked my ribs or not."   
Jack got up, still looking in the direction of the nurses as he pulled Daniel up from the ground. Daniel swatted dirt off of his clothes as two female SF's walked past. Jack pushed Daniel's glasses up on his nose stopping them just in time from falling on the floor. The SF's stared at the act and then quickly looked away and smiled at each other.   
Jack frowned, "Definitely weird."   


**X**

  
Teal'c walked into the commissary. A few female heads looked up in his direction and smiled. He nodded in greeting and walked over to the desserts. Cherry pie. His favorite. Teal'c sat down at a table and began to eat. He looked around discreetly as he ate and noted once again that there was an unequal ratio of women to men in the commissary. Again there were tables of female personnel, sitting together but not talking. Reading. In fact, they had been reading the last time Jack had noticed them. And many other times. MajorCarter always seemed to be reading too whenever he went into her lab. Dr Frasier seemed similarly preoccupied. Teal'c took a good look around. It was quiet and serene, but the silence was beginning to scream small revelations. One of the lunch ladies came over to Teal'c's table and picked up an empty cup.   
"Hey Mr. Teal'c."   
"CathyByron. It is good to see you," Teal'c nodded, "This pie is of a most superior quality today."   
"You're just saying that Mr. Teal'c."   
Teal'c smiled, "I never say what is not true CathyByron. You have a true gift."   
"Gee Mr. Teal'c. You know what? This Christmas, you're getting a real treat from me," she said smiling. She bent down on the ground and retrieved a folder from under the table, "This yours Mr. Teal'c?"  
Teal'c looked at the folder. It was not his. But as he looked around he guessed how easily it could belong to the new Cheyenne Women's Reading Group.   
"It is. Thank you," Teal'c smiled and took the folder. He thought about reading it and then realized that maybe discretion was a good idea and made his way to his room.   
  


** X **

  


Teal'c sat by the door and watched Jack as he reached the final page. Jack's eyes reached the last word and then he put the page down. He got up from the desk as though the pages were armed and dangerous and just stared at them.   
"O'Neill? How are you?"   
"Confused. Bewildered. Pissed off. But mostly confused I'd have to say."   
"What are you thinking O'Neill?"   
"To be honest Teal'c, I'm having a real hard time thinking at all."   
"Indeed."   
"What do you think?" 

Teal'c pondered the question for a moment, "I feel the author has a natural gift for humor. She also displays a soft and tender side through her writing. The dialogue is quite believable but I do not believe a man would address another man as...sweetie pie. I believe no sane human would address their mate with such a name. The story also seems to become lost amongst the numerous sessions of coupling."   
"Anh! Never. Never use that word in my presence again Teal'c."   
"Which one O'Neill, I do believe I used many."   
"The couple. The couple and the ing. Never. Okay?"   
"O'Neill, do you not feel that perhaps you are overreacting?"   
"Overreacting? You have any idea what this person just made me do?" Jack pointed accusingly at the pages.   
"Several times O'Neill," Teal'c said flatly.   
"Number one, no one can manage it that many times. Number two, no one can manage it in those positions. Oh and number three...I...AM...NOT...GAY!!!"   
"O'Neill, this story is not about you."   
"Teal'c this story is about people who are based on us. If all the women on base can see that, well...need I say more."   
  
Jack fell on to the bed, shaking his head. The door opened and Jack jumped off the bed as though he'd been electrocuted. Teal'c couldn't help but smile at this, receiving a deathly look from Jack.  
"Hey, what's going on?" Daniel said.   
"Nothing! Nothing's going on. What? Two guys can't spend any time together without something going on?" Jack suddenly ranted at the speed of light.   
"Uh..." Daniel looked at Teal'c.   
Jack realized his outburst and then sat down on the bed.   
"O-kay...what's going on?" Daniel said again.   
Jack picked up the pages and handed them to Daniel, "Well, apparently, me and you are fucking like bunnies."  
  
Daniel took the pages and frowned, "Okay. That's a little...surreal...even for you."   
"Know why all the women keep looking at us like we're from Mars or something? Someone in Internet land has written this nice amusing little tale of manly love."   
Daniel frowned, "Didn't Aristotle write something about that?"   
"Daniel?"   
"What?"   
"X-Treme Wormhole."   
"Yeah?"   
"Someone has written a nice little story about two of the characters from X-treme Wormhole."   
Daniel laughed, "You're kidding. Right? Oh my god. Who is it? I have to read this," Daniel said smiling as he sat down on the bed and started reading the first page.  
"Teal'c. I'm outta here. I can't stick around to watch this."   
"Jack, I think you're overreacting. People write tons of fanfiction on the net. It's a form of flattery. And besides, since the Stargate project will never go public, it might be nice to see what people think about the whole concept."   
Jack smiled, "Right. Sure."   
"And anyway, I can't see what could be so bad. But then I guess I am more liberal than you Jack."   
"Right. Liberal. Teal'c, call me when he's finished. I'm going to go rifle through some old copies of Playboy."   
  


**X**

  
The briefing was unusual. SG-1 had returned from their mission. Sam had noted that Jack and Daniel were especially quiet. Teal'c seemed like...well, Teal'c. And now they sat in the briefing room. Jack had barely looked up from his pad of paper and Daniel seemed unusually interested in the bottom of his coffee cup. As Jack began to talk, Daniel got up and refilled his coffee. He bought the coffee over and offered it to everyone. He then somewhat cautiously came up to Jack. Jack nodded and gave a plainly forced smile. Sam was distracted by Hammond's question and began to talk to him but Teal'c kept his eyes on Jack and Daniel. Daniel moved forward to pour the coffee. Jack responded by leaning to the side. Teal'c watched as Jack leant further and further away until he finally fell on to the floor with a loud thump. Everyone on the table stared at the empty chair. Daniel stood somewhat shocked, coffee pot in hand as he looked at Jack sprawled on the floor.   
  
Jack quick as lightening jumped back into his seat as though nothing had happened. Daniel walked away slowly shaking his head.   
Hammond looked at Jack as though he was clearly mad, "Colonel? Is there a problem?"   
"Problem sir? No. Why do you ask?"   
Hammond frowned and went back to the conversation with Sam. Daniel sat back down opposite Jack. Jack looked at Daniel and saw Daniel slowly mouth the word 'asshole' behind his hand so no one else could see. Jack frowned and sank an inch down into the chair and then kicked Daniel's leg while he was drinking his coffee. Daniel let out a yell and sprayed the coffee across the table. He sat there choking for a few moments as everyone watched. Jack watching with a smug look.   
"Dr Jackson?" Hammond sounded impatient.   
"Sorry. I'm sorry uh...it was hot. Sorry."   
"Is there something you people want to tell me?" Hammond said.   
'No!" Jack and Daniel both yelled out. Sam frowned and looked at Teal'c who sat with an immensely amused look on his face.  
"I see." Hammond looked about as convinced as Teal'c had when he'd been told that Marilyn Manson wasn't the devil.  
  


**X**

  
"What the hell was that?" Daniel said as Jack walked into his office.   
"I was trying to be subtle."   
"About what?"   
Jack frowned and thought for a moment, "Us."   
"Us? Jack? There is no us. That story was just for the amusement of some people who...clearly are delusional and perhaps oversexed in some way. Furthermore, it was about characters on a T.V show. Not...us."   
"Yeah? Well explain that to all the women on the base."   
"Jack, by acting like a complete ass you are actually helping to create this little myth. You do realize that don't you?"   
"Daniel? Every time we're seen walking through the base all those women are steaming up there filthy little brains with images of you, me and chocolate syrup."   
"Chocolate syrup?"   
"Yeah, it's the latest."   
"And you read it?"   
"Intel."   
"Oh."   
  
"It was written by some Peaches Orgasma and Love Juice."   
"Wow. That's uh...you read it? I can't believe you read it."   
"I'm keeping two steps ahead of the enemy Daniel. They mention chocolate syrup? I avoid it like the plague so half of the commissary won't be giggling behind my back."   
"Right. That uh...that explains why I was getting some interesting looks this morning."   
"Right. And if I were you? I wouldn't go near anything with custard in it either."   
Daniel grimaced and groaned.  
"O'Neill, DanielJackson."   
Jack and Daniel sprang in opposite directions to produce some space between them to which Teal'c's mouth went up in a smile.   
"Hey, how about a little warning next time?" Jack grumbled and sat down at Daniel's desk.   
Teal'c simply cocked his eyebrow, the smile still in place.   
"And Teal'c, we'd appreciate it if you didn't find our humiliation so amusing," Jack said annoyed.   
Teal'c handed Daniel and Jack a folder each and then sat down at the worktop.   
"I do not find humor in your humiliation O'Neill. However, your reactions are of great interest."

**X**

  
Daniel opened the door to the storage closet and cautiously stepped inside, "Jack?"   
Daniel heard the door slam shut as his arm was grabbed and he was roughly yanked behind a shelf load of toilet paper.   
"Hey, you wanna keep it down?" Jack whispered.   
"Jack, why are you whispering and why did you ask me to meet you here?"   
"So no one'll see us together, that's why. We can do without encouraging the crazy female population on this base."   
"Right...by secretly meeting in the storage room. And what if someone were to see us coming out of here together?"   
Daniel couldn't see Jack's expression in the dark but he had a good idea how stupid Jack probably looked.   
"Jack?"   
"Okay...so I made a bad call."   
"Right. Now what?"  
"I've got an idea on how to get their attention away from imagining us as...you know."   
"Homosexuals?"   
"Daniel! You wanna keep it down?"   
"Jack...are you homophobic?"   
  
There was a long silence that followed.   
"Jack?"   
"What do you want from me Daniel?"   
"An answer."   
"No. I am not homophobic. I don't really care who's banging who. But it won't really help my career if everyone thinks I'm batting for the other team."   
Silence followed.   
"Don't look at me like that," Jack said annoyed.   
"You can't see how I'm looking at you."   
"No, but I can feel it drilling holes in my head. Look, we can discuss homophobia to your hearts content later. Right now, we have a situation. I don't know about you Daniel, but frankly I can do without everyone thinking that you and I are fu..."   
"I get the point Jack."   
"Good. Okay, I have a plan."   
"I hope it's better than your idea to meet here."   
  
"Daniel?"   
"Sorry."   
"Look, we go to the commissary. We start a fight. With all the women in there, most of the base'll know within five minutes. They'll think we hate each other, and then the whole...thing...won't be a problem anymore."  
"That's it?"   
"Yeah."   
"That's your plan."   
"Yes Daniel. That's my plan."   
"I'm sorry...how did you become a colonel again?"   
"Daniel, trust me. You do the geek thing..."   
"And you'll do the annoying Neantherdal act..."   
"Righ...yeah...right."   
"I don't think this is a good idea, Jack."  
"It'll work. Trust me."  
"Right and..." Daniel was abruptly cut off when the door to the storage room opened. Teal'c walked in, letting the room fill with light. He stood expressionless as he stared at the two men squinting behind the shelf, Jack holding on to Daniel's arm.   
"Hey Teal'c," Daniel said as nonchalantly as possible.   
Teal'c looked at Jack and then back at Daniel, raised his eyebrow and then without word, turned about and swiftly walked out.   


**X**

"Um...Jack, you just cut in line."  
"I know," Jack smirked.  
"Well, I was here first."   
Jack rolled his eyes, "Quit whining Daniel, I'm sure you can wait an extra minute before you get back to your rocks."   
Daniel looked open mouthed, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"   
Jack sighed and muttered, "For cryin' out loud..."   
"You know, you're always trying to push me around. I'm getting a little tired of it Jack," Daniel said quietly as he cut back in front of Jack.   
"Geek," Jack muttered under his breath.   
"Excuse me?" Daniel's voice rose.   
"What?" Jack turned to look Daniel straight, "Wanna make something of it?"   
Daniel laughed, "Typical military attitude. You just can't resist overcompensating for your lack of intelligence by trying to humiliate people you're intimidated by."   
This time Jack laughed, "You think I'm intimidated by _you_? That's a joke!"   
'No Jack! You're the joke!"   
Jack frowned, wondering if the fight was suddenly getting personal, "Okay, you just pissed me off."   
"Well...I don't really care." Daniel turned his back on him.   
Jack grabbed his shoulder and whirled him around, "Hey! I'm talking to you. Don't turn your back on me."   
Daniel threw of Jack's hand, which involuntarily shoved Jack back. Jack stepped forward menacingly until Teal'c approached them.  
"Is there a problem, O'Neill? DanielJackson?"   
  
"No problem, Teal'c. Just the doctor here getting an attitude."  
"Me? You're the one acting like a caveman."  
"Oh that's it! Bring it on chicken boy!" Jack gave Daniel a hard push.   
Daniel in turn lunged for Jack. Teal'c pulled the two men apart, "Why do you not accompany me outside where we can further discuss this in private?"   
Jack and Daniel threw each other dirty menacing looks. Jack was about to throw another rude comment when he suddenly caught a glance of the audience. The women in the commissary were sitting wide-eyed, open mouthed and slightly flushed. Jack frowned. He couldn't quiet register what this meant. Daniel turned and looked at Jack as soon as he noticed. 

"Keep walking," Jack said doing a ventriloquist act as he gave Daniel a push towards the door.   
  


**X**

  
"Have you heard, Doctor Frasier?"  
Janet raised her eyebrows, and opened her can of soda, "Heard what?"  
"Colonel O'Neill and Doctor Jackson had a 'lovers' quarrel in the commissary."  
Janet spat out her drink and stared at her nurse as if she'd grown horns, "They what?"  
"It's all over the base. Well, amongst the female staff anyway. We are the only people who know what's really going on."  
Janet swallowed, "And...what is really going on?"  
"You know, ma'am! Dr Jackson and Colonel O'Neill?"  
"Alice? There is no Dr Jackson and Colonel O'Neill. There is a Colonel Danning and Dr.Levant, but they're not here."   
"Yeah I know, but Colonel O'Neill and Dr Jackson go together way more than the guys from X-treme Wormhole. It's kinda cute."   
Janet sank her head into her hands, and then abruptly stood up. "I've gotta go. Hold down the fort," she stopped and turned around, "And don't talk to anyone about this, is that clear?"   
The nurse looked bewildered, "Yes, ma'am...uh...where are you going?"  
"To shoot a friend of mine."  
"Excuse me, Doctor?"  
"Never mind." 

**X**

"This isn't funny, Sam." Janet glared at her laughing friend.  
"Oh...yes it is."  
"Sam...we started this by sharing out that one story, and now the entire base sees the Colonel and Daniel under the sheets every time they look at them. It's terrible."  
"It's hilarious," Sam tried to stifle a laugh.   
"This is serious."   
"Yes, of course." Sam straightened up and molded her face to reflect the gravity of the situation. After a minute, she collapsed into giggles again.  
"What's so funny?"  
"I'm just imagining Daniel and the Colonel buff and smoking afterglow cigarettes," She grinned.   
"Sam!" Janet looked on in shock.   
"Yeah...I know, I'm sorry. I forgot. Colonel O'Neill doesn't smoke anymore," Sam said bursting into a fit of laughter again. This time Janet couldn't resist and joined in.   


**X**

  
The door to Daniel's office was wide open as requested by Jack. They were both now seated on either end of Daniel's couch with Teal'c facing them on a stool in front of the workbench.   
"I see," Teal'c said on hearing the details of Jack's plan.   
"I really don't think you do," Daniel said.   
"Hey, how the hell was I supposed to know they'd get their kicks out of it?" Jack said quite desperately.   
"For a man who religiously watches womens wrestling, I thought you would have figured it out," Daniel said throwing Jack an annoyed look.   
"O'Neill, DanielJackson, I feel you are being most irrational about this situation. These stories are in fact about fictional characters."   
"Based on us Teal'c," Jack said almost accusingly.   
"Jack has got a point Teal'c, as much as I hate to admit it. But, it seems everyone's simply bypassing the character's from the show and well, imagining us."   
"Is it not a matter of pride to be the subject of someone's sexual fantasies?" Teal'c said with a smile on his face.  
"Well, I wouldn't say pride..." Daniel started.   
"Uh Daniel!"   
"What? I was just going to explain..."   
"Well don't. And why aren't you outraged? Isn't this getting to you?"   
"Yes, just not as much you. No one can contend with that overly macho ego of yours."   
Jack frowned, "No wonder they think you're gay. That and your obsessive tea drinking."   
Daniel frowned and thought for a second, "Jack? That's you. I like coffee."   
Jack's eyes darted to the side as he realized the faux pas, "Oh. Well...don't tell anyone."   
  
As they sat back to wallow in their misery again, Teal'c suddenly got up and began to walk towards the door.   
"Hey, where you going?" Jack said.   
"I have things to attend to O'Neill."   
Jack raised his eyebrow, "Teal'c. Don't you think this Xena addiction's getting a bit much?"   
"I do not O'Neill. I feel it to be a most informative and educational show."   
"Right. You and every other guy on this planet."   
"Perhaps you prefer The Legendry Journey's of Hercules O'Neill."  
"Hey!"  
"He's got you there Jack."   
"This from a man who waves his hands about more than a mime."   
"Earl Gray!"   
  
"Um...is this a bad time?"   
The voice startled them both. Jack and Daniel both looked up to see Sam standing in the doorway, a grin on her face.   
"Uh...no," Daniel said instantly realizing the scene that must have appeared to Sam, "Actually Jack was about to leave. I believe there are some baby seals he's supposed to be clubbing to death."   
Jack got up and gave Daniel a forced smile, much like the one on Daniel's face.   
"Actually...I have some reports to write. I'll let you get on with your Internet search for new cake recipes Daniel."   
Jack gave a smirk and then nodded, "Carter. New perfume?"   
Daniel almost snorted.   
"Uh...old perfume...actually," Sam said blushing as she looked at Jack standing there so laid back, with hands in pockets and that grin on his face. She suddenly felt quite guilty for reading all those deliciously naughty stories. She'd forgotten exactly how attractive and charming Jack could be.  
"Oh. It's nice. I'll see you guys later," Jack said flashing a smile and leaving.   
Sam walked into the office grinning, "So...Daniel. Cake recipes?"   


**X**

General Hammond was slightly confused. Something was going on in his base. Something strange. He tried to make a mental list of all the things that could happen in the SGC. Alien incursion? Alien mind control? Alien drugs? Alien artifacts? Commissary food? The list was endless. He was forced to remember Colonel O'Neill's suggestion that perhaps the women of the base should undergo testing. He wondered how close to the mark Jack was. He went into the commissary and women in there were sat like zombies staring at their folders. Maybe they were working too hard. But then when he had gone to the infirmary to check on SG-5's latest collection of injuries, he had seen a similar scene. There was a huddle of three nurses. One was reading something from her clipboard while the other two listened as though they were being given the meaning of life. By the focused look on their faces he knew it had to be work related. Hammond almost overflowed with the pride he felt at the dedication of his people. He walked past Major Janice Davis's bed only to find her engrossed in what was probably a mission report. Another commendation to put on his list. If anything, it was probably the male staff that needed to be tested for their laziness.  
  


** X **

Daniel was sitting on Teal'c's bed reading the latest story Teal'c had been able to aquire while Teal'c sat inches from the television watching Xena in all her glory.   
"Oh my God," Daniel winced, "I can't believe this. I wouldn't do this if I were drunk, let alone gay."   
"DanielJackson..." Teal'c spoke at the interruption.   
"Oh...sorry," Daniel mumbled.   
Daniel continued reading until suddenly Jack burst into the room with a green folder in his hand that no doubt had a copy of the story Daniel was currently reading.   
"AAAHH!" Jack waved the folder.   
Daniel stared at Jack, "I'm guessing that means you read it."   
"Physically impossible Daniel!" Jack pointed an accusing finger at the folder.   
Daniel frowned, "I'm guessing I haven't reached that bit yet."   
"Well, don't worry I won't spoil it for you."   
"DanielJackson. O'Neill, you will discuss this elsewhere," Teal'c threatened. 

Jack threw Teal'c an annoyed look, "You know, we gotta do something about this."   
Daniel frowned, "What? Teal'c?"   
"No, not Teal'c, this!" Jack waved the folder.   
"Oh I thought you meant Teal'c's Xena addiction."   
"That too, it's getting way outta hand. Come on, let's go."   
"Where? If you're thinking about another fake fight, forget it. I think written humiliation's enough for me."   
"No. I think it's time we took practical measures."   


** X **

  
"Okay," Jack said, as his hands stilled on the keyboard, "This is what we have so far."  
Daniel looked over Jack's shoulder at the composition on the computer screen. 

**Dear Peaches Orgasma and LoveJuice,**

**This is being written on behalf of men everywhere. We have read your stories, and would like you to cease and desist. We hate them. We think they are a blatant misrepresentation of the characters on X-Treme Wormhole. In other words, the stories have no touch with reality.   
  
The leader and archeologist are not gay. It's obvious. It's so obvious, we're wondering how you could get the two names in that context without the wrongness blinding you. We would seriously like you to rethink your take on the show and STOP writing these stories. **

**  
Thank you :)**

**  
Straight and Narrow**

  
  
"Straight and Narrow?" Daniel looked at Jack who looked quite pleased with himself.   
"Hey. Peaches Orgasma? LoveJuice?"   
Daniel thought for a second, "Well...when you put it like that."  
Daniel sat down on the edge of the desk, "Now what?"   
"Now we post it."   
"And you think they'll stop just like that?"   
Jack threw Daniel a pissed look, "They will if I attach a nuke to it."  
Daniel cleared his thraot and sat still for a moment.   
"What?" Jack said annoyed.   
"What?" Daniel said straight away.   
"Just say it, whatever's wrong just say it."   
"Well...um, there's nothing really...per se..."   
"Daniel!"   
"But I think your point will go across stronger if you perhaps use a more...grown up font."   
Jack frowned, "What's wrong with this?"   
"Jack, it has the word comic in it's title."   
Jack rolled his eyes and set to changing the font.   
"And uh..."   
"What!"   
"You may want to lose the smilely face. It's just a thought."   
  


** X **

  
"Straight and Narrow?" Sam raised an eyebrow at the e-mail displayed on her screen.   
Janet smiled and sat down at the worktop next to Sam and re-read the e-mail.   
"Here's what I don't understand," Sam said, "So, I don't like the story, would I bother e-mailing someone to tell them that?"   
"And if he's straight and narrow, why read it in the first place?" Janet said as an afterthought.   
Sam shook her head, "Doesn't make sense."   
"Perhaps I could be of some assistance."   
From force of recent habit both Sam and Janet slammed the laptop shut together and in unison looked up to see an amused Teal'c standing in the doorway, hands behind back.   
"Hey Teal'c, didn't see you there," Sam said smiling her innocent smile.   
Teal'c nodded with a small amiable smile of his own, "I am interrupting perhaps."   
"No, no. We were just discussing some things," Janet said with her Florence Nightingale smile.   
  
Sam and Janet looked at each other briefly, the look that exchanged the code. The look that said 'primary measures: decoy 1 – discussions pertaining to women's problems – mission: repel Jaffa'.   
Teal'c looked from one to the other, "Perhaps I can be of some assistance if there is a problem."   
_Damn his charm _ thought Sam.   
_Damn his big big big…charm _ thought Janet.   
"Oh, we doubt it," Sam said.   
Teal'c smiled but showed no signs of leaving the lab.   
"Well, I dunno Sam. Teal'c might know something. We are very culturally different," Janet gave Sam the eyebrow signal for the go ahead.   
"Um, okay," Sam nodded, "Well…Teal'c, you may know from your experience with Drey'ac that women suffer from a monthly condition called…"   
"Menstruation," Teal'c said quite cheerfully as though he was discussing pie.   
"Uh…yes…that's right," Sam said slowly, "Well, it can be a little…annoying at times and Janet and I were just discussing remedies."   
Sam almost wanted to sigh with relief on finishing the unexpectedly awkward sentence. Perhaps it had something to do with the way Teal'c just stood there impassively, head slightly tilted to one side as he listened.   
Teal'c nodded, "It is a delicate matter," he said and then walked towards the door.   
Janet and Sam both breathed discreet sighs of relief and looked at each other realizing that maybe 'women's problems' were something that even scared big strong Jaffa.  
  
The relief was short lived as Teal'c closed the door to the lab and then returned. He took a stool and sat down on it so he was facing both Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet stared open-mouthed.   
"I found Drey'ac to be most vocal at these times. I once made the mistake of replying to an outburst by saying 'quiet woman' and she in turn threatened to dissect me with a meat knife. I found at these times it was best to be far away from her. She also appreciated this."   
Sam nodded slowly, slightly horrified by the potentially icky direction the conversation could take.   
"There is of course also the pain," Teal'c carried on not noticing Sam's eyes closing at the cringe factor.   
"Drey'ac once described it akin to having a sword thrust through one's stomach. She used to drink Jach'mar for the pain. It is a concoction of thirteen herbs. It is very bitter but I am sure it is also effective as Drey'ac would go from being prepared to slay thousands to being quite agreeable. I would procure these herbs for you however they can only be found on Chulak," Teal'c said with a small smile.   
  
Janet and Sam stared unable to think of what to say and quite unsure of what direction the conversation could go in.   
"Oh!" Janet suddenly said.   
"What?" Sam said suspiciously.   
"I'm supposed to be giving Major Raines a physical in five minutes, I almost forgot," Janet was half way to the door. Sam watched open mouthed as Janet deserted her.   
Teal'c sat still smiling at Sam. Sam smiled back.   
"So…" Sam said hoping Teal'c would get the message.   
"Are you suffering the rigueurs of menstruation MajorCarter?"   
Sam looked at Teal'c. She wondered if her face showed how appalled she was. But Teal'c? Still smiling.   
"Um," _Oh way to go Sam. Real clever. Um?_   
Teal'c's little smile waited on an answer.   
"Teal'c? Wanna grab a bite to eat? I'm starving," Sam plastered her best fake smile.   
Teal'c raised his eyebrow in thought, "Yes, of course MajorCarter. Hunger pangs are to be expected at this time."   
Sam smiled tight-lipped, nodded and came out from behind the worktop. Teal'c joined her at her side as they walked towards the door.   
"MajorCarter," Teal'c began.   
"Teal'c? We never talk," Sam cut in, "Let's talk about you. Why don't you start with your childhood?"   
  


**X**

  
  
"Okay, let's go," Jack said once he spotted Sam and Teal'c leaving her lab.   
"Jack…why are we doing this again?" Daniel followed Jack into the lab.  
Jack swiftly turned around and sighed, "Daniel, do I need to remind you that we are at the focused attention of smut mongering?"   
"Smut…mongering?"   
"Yes. And I'm willing to bet anything that Carter and Fraiser have been reading this stuff too."   
Daniel went and sat down at Sam's worktop as Jack began to rummage through the lab.   
"That doesn't make sense Jack. If Sam knew anything she would tell us."   
"Right, the same way I would announce it to the world if I had a porn addiction."   
Daniel raised an eyebrow "Do you?"   
The rummaging behind Daniel's back stopped for a moment, "No Daniel. I do not. I have a very healthy attitude to sex and it involves real women."   
"Well, if you're going to talk like that Jack it's no wonder people think you're gay," Daniel grinned as he absently opened Sam's laptop.   
"Oh hilarious Daniel. Don't talk to me about sexual deviance. I've seen you staring at some really weird stuff. And all that 'oh it's art Jack. No, this is historical'? Well I'm not buyin that for a second. You're as fixated on breasts as the next guy," Jack continued his rummaging as he muttered away quietly, "Don't tell me I'm gay. The day big Jack stops standing to attention to a full frontal attack is the day you can roll him over and give him a good bone…"  
"Sam…" Daniel mumbled quietly.   
  
"What?" Jack straightened up instantly and nervously looked around.   
"It's…it's Sam."   
"No it's not. I have nothing but respect for her Daniel and you say anything to anyone else I will shoot you without hesitation."   
Daniel turned to face Jack, blue eyes open wide in shock.   
"Okay…what are we talking about?" Jack said realizing he may have chosen a wrong tangent to go off on.   
"It's Sam," Daniel said mechanically as he got up and pointed at the laptop.   
Jack frowned and looked at Daniel. He cautiously walked over to the laptop and started to read, "blah blah blah,yadda yadda ya…da…Straight and Narrow."   
Daniel nodded as Jack turned to look at him in disbelief.   
Jack straightened up and just stared ahead, "Huh. Didn't see that coming."   
  


**X**

  
"I can't believe this. We've become a laughing stock and one of our friends is responsible for this. I can't walk into the commissary without everyone staring at me as though I have a pyramid growing on my head. There's sniggering, there's whispering and I'm beginning to get some real filthy looks. I might as well be walking around naked. I'm just shocked. Really shocked…"   
  
Jack watched Daniel as he paced around his office, hands wildly flailing around as he expressed his shock. Jack was quite amazed that Daniel had been able to keep his rant going for a whole hour. Who knew the boy had it in him? Jack sighed and clicked the mouse to start a new game of solitaire as Daniel went off on another spate of ranting.   
"Why aren't you angry?" Daniel stopped pacing and looked at Jack who calmly sat at Daniel's desk playing solitaire.   
Jack shrugged and continued playing, "I dunno. Guess I'm more liberal than I thought I was."   
"Liberal? You guzzle beer, you're favorite sport contains gratuitous violence on ice, you consider women wrestling in jell-o a sport, your most inspirational thoughts come from Homer Simpson and you keep a yo-yo in your pocket. You're not liberal Jack…you're fifteen."   
Jack loaded a new game and shrugged again, "When you talk like that? It's not surprising people think **you're** gay."   
  
"O'Neill, DanielJackson," Teal'c said entering the office. He pulled up a stool near Jack where he could see the computer screen and sat down.   
Jack looked at the immensely content look on Teal'c's face, "What're you so happy about?"   
"Cherry pie O'Neill," Teal'c said leaning over and tapping on the image of a card.   
Jack clicked on it, "What's the deal with that anyway? There's always cherry pie. It never runs out. Sometimes it's all you can find in there. You'd think they were addicted to the stuff judging by the amount they make. And you know what the weird thing is?"   
"I do not O'Neill," Teal'c tapped another card.   
"You're the only person I've ever seen eating the stuff. I don't think anyone else even likes it."   
Teal'c raised an eyebrow in thought, "Mmm. It is a conundrum O'Neill."   
  
They both carried on playing solitaire for a while until they realized the room was deathly silent. They both turned at the same to see Daniel standing in the middle of the room, a blank look on his face, eyes locked in thought.   
"What?" Jack said recognizing the look.   
"What?" Daniel snapped out of his thoughts.   
"What's on your mind Daniel?" Jack was back to the game.   
"The e-mail Sam received was to Peaches Orgasma."   
"Yeah, so?"   
"Well, you sent it two people."   
"Love Juice. Right."   
"Well…who is Love Juice?" Daniel said walking up to Teal'c and Jack.   
Jack and Teal'c looked at Daniel.   
"MajorCarter and Doctor Frasier were both observing the computer screen when I walked in," Teal'c said.   
"Fraiser? Frasier is Love Juice? Huh. I woulda thought she was Peaches."   
Daniel looked at Jack. Not shocked. Not angry. He was just being Jack in fact.   
"What are you up to?" Daniel said.   
"Playin solitaire," Jack said casually.   
"No. I mean…what are you up to Jack? There's a reason why you're so calm."   
"Perhaps it is the calm before the storm DanielJackson," Teal'c said tapping the screen again.   
Jack grinned.   
"What?" Daniel said.   
"Daniel? Revenge may be a bitter pill to swallow, but it's real sweet to dish out," Jack said grinning.   
"Revenge?"   
"Revenge."   
  
Daniel just stared at Jack and Teal'c's game of solitaire for a while just wondering what revenge Jack had dreamt up.   
Daniel tapped a card on the screen. Jack clicked on it and found a card that would be a bitch to get past.   
"Daniel! Jeez…"   
"You know Jack, there's a reason they call it solitaire."   
"Yeah? Well, I don't recall Teal'c and I asking you to join in."   
  
"Ahem," a very female voice broke the silence of the room. Daniel, Jack and Teal'c turned to look at an SF standing in the doorway. She had a small smile on her face, "General Hammond would like to see you Colonel."   
"Thank you…I'll be right there," Jack said smiling awkwardly.   
Jack sighed as she left, "Great. Now we can have ménage tois stories all over base."   
Teal'c frowned, "What is ménage tois?"   


**X**

"I don't think this is a good idea," Daniel said as he stared at the screen.   
Jack was sitting next to him and staring at the screen too trying to find some inspiration.   
"Daniel. They did it to us. You read it. Not only did they read the stuff, they actually wrote it too. Insult to injury. Feel the rage Daniel, I know it's in there somewhere," Jack said flatly.   
Daniel nodded, a vision flashing in his mind from the most recent Love Juice/Peaches Orgasma collaboration, "Right. Rage. Okay, let's do this then."   
  
They both sat there for a moment, just staring ahead in silence.   
  
"Nothing."   
"Great."   
"Well…let's start with a plot. What's the story about? What's going to happen? A chain of events."   
Jack frowned, "Daniel, did you read their last piece? There was no plot. Danning comes home early, nails Levant, they have waffles, they go to sleep. The end. There's more plot in a game of hockey."   
"Well…that was inspirational. At least I know if I die who I don't want doing my eulogy."   
"I tell ya, some of these stories? They make me wish I was back in Iraq with all my bones broken."   
"Okay, well…do you have any ideas?"   
"Sure, lesbian orgy," Jack said matter-of-factly.   
Daniel tried to think of words that would go with his reaction but none came to mind.   
"I…can't do that," he finally said.   
"So you wanna keep reading about Colonel Danning and Dr Levant. How they love each other so much and so…frequently."   
"No!" Daniel said horrified at the prospect, "I…I…just don't see what a lesbian orgy will achieve."   
"Well for one, Peaches and Love Juice get a taste of their own medicine when everyone on base gets a copy."   
Daniel's head snapped up, "Right. I hadn't thought of that."   
  
"So, let's go. Get writing. We'll write the central piece first and stick a paper thin plot either end later."   
Daniel poised his hands over the keyboard, "Okay…I mean how hard can this be? Just a set of generalized images and clichés should be enough. I mean, it's hardly Marquis de Sade."   
"Okay then. How 'bout you start with Major Monroe, I dunno, accidentally kisses the doctor."   
"Accidentally? How would you accidentally kiss someone?"   
"I dunno! Uh, they both get close for some reason and end up kissing," Jack said shrugging.   
Daniel started typing, "This is going to be so laughable."   
"Well, you come up with something then."   
"Um…okay…uh…Monroe. I know. The doctor is bandaging…no…she's taping up a wound on Monroe's forehead and they look at each other and kiss."   
"That's what I said," Jack said reading the newly typed lines.   
"You said accident," Daniel typed a few more lines.   
"Okay, okay, get to the good stuff. They've kissed, they've consented, they're in a locked room. Now what?"   
"Okay…why don't we, uh, have the doctor take off Monroe's shirt."   
Jack coughed, "Okay. And Monroe can take off doc's…shirt…"   
Daniel nodded, "And we'll have the doctor…um…kiss…Monroe…"   
Desperately trying to get a mental picture, Jack shifted in his chair, "And Monroe can fondle um…the doctor's…uh…doctor." 

Daniel cleared his throat, and wondered why it at gotten so hot all of a sudden.   
"Then she can undo um…Monroe's…p-pants…"   
Avoiding the mental picture was *definitely* not working, "And Monroe can take off her uh…too"  
"The doctor can take off her pants…"   
"Monroe takes off her underwear…"   
"The doctor runs her hands over her body…"   
They sat staring ahead in silence imagining.   
Jack stood up abruptly. "I gotta talk to Carter about an experiment," and then almost ran.  
Daniel turned the monitor off and pushed himself away from the desk and closed his eyes and groaned. How the hell were these women writing this stuff? 

** X **

  
"I do not understand O'Neill," Teal'c said as Jack pulled him into Daniel's office and sat him in front of the computer.   
"Basically Teal'c, we are going to write a fanfic around X-treme Assholes."   
"We?" Teal'c looked skeptically.   
"Yes…we. Predictably so, Daniel has chickened out. We tried a few times but came across a few problems. And believe me, the last thing this base needs is me and Daniel coming out of his office red-faced. I can tell ya, this is much harder than it looks. Daniel's gone to take a cold shower no doubt."   
"I see. How can I be of assistance?" 

Jack sighed, "Well me and Daniel finally managed to come up with the dirty stuff…let me rephrase that. We've finished the most integral part of the plot. Now we actually need a…plot."   
Teal'c gave Jack a long look, "I see O'Neill."   
"That's good. Because I don't. I'm quite happy without a plot."   
"I see."   
Jack stared at the impassive look on Teal'c's face, "Lemme ask you something. When you've got that look on your face, you're laughin on the inside. Right?"   
The corner of Teal'c's mouth went up slightly.   
"Right," Jack said dryly, "So…any ideas?" 

Teal'c raised an eyebrow and then turned the computer screen to face him. He spent a few minutes scrolling down the text and reading the 'story'. Then he looked up at Jack with a smile.   
"I see."   
"What? What do you see oh master Teal'c."   
Teal'c raised the ever infamous eyebrow, "I see what it is that makes me the master and you the apprentice O'Neill."   
This time Jack lifted his eyebrow, "What is that? Jaffa comedy? You should have your own show…Teal'cfield."   
"I am not making a joke O'Neill. This is most appalling."   
"Hey! Can you do any better?"   
"I believe my symbiote could do better."   
Jack frowned at Teal'c, "What happen to all that being brothers stuff?"   
"I will simply have to be the wiser of the two," Teal'c said matter-of-factly.   
"Okay, fine. Enlighten me oh wise one."   
  
Teal'c looked at the screen and sank into thought. Jack waited for a creative epiphany. When it didn't take place after five minutes he took his yo-yo out and tried to walk the dog instead. Ten minutes later Daniel arrived.   
"How's it going?" he sat down at the worktop and looked across at Teal'c who was still staring at the screen. 

Jack looped the loop, "I dunno, ask the master."   
"Maybe we should forget about it. I mean this is around the same level as a teen prank."   
"Okay, obviously I'm going to have to remind you why we're doing this. I give you 'The Pain of Mankind' by one Denvers where Levant is being lusted after by some horny alien that likes spandex. Sure Levant is all 'oh no, it'll never happen,' but give it another chapter and I'm guessing Levant's getting it on with the master of the universe. And do I need to remind you of the chapter where Danning basically nails Levant on the floor of his office?"   
Daniel looked lost in thought for a second, "So Teal'c…any progress?"   
  
Teal'c didn't answer, he just stared in that meditative mode of his.   
"Oh by the way, he thinks what we wrote stinks," Jack said untangling the yo-yo string.   
"Jack…he's right."   
"Yeah well…I don't intend to make a career out of it."   
"I have it," Teal'c suddenly spoke.   
"Well I hope it's not serious," Jack mumbled.   


**X**

  
Sam was happily eating her waffles and writing up a report on the last mission. Janet sat opposite with her coffee and SG-5's post-mission checkup results.   
"Hey Doctor Frasier. Major Carter."   
Sam and Janet both looked up at Airman Jones. A huge smile plastered on his face as he walked beside his friend.   
"Airmen," Sam replied.   
Janet nodded.   
Sam and Janet stared at each other for a moment. Then Sam put her fork down, "Your office or mine?"   
  


**X**

  
"Okay…" Sam sat down at Janet's desk.   
"Right," Janet leaned back in her chair, "Something strange is definitely taking place."   
"It's been happening all day. They're walking around sniggering and smiling and…what do you think is going on?"   
Janet shrugged, "I don't know, but I have a bad feeling."   
"I'm gonna go see the colonel," Sam got up and walked towards the door.   
Janet sighed and switched her computer on. For the first time in weeks she didn't go straight to work on her story.   
  
**X**   
Jack hadn't been in his office so Sam figured the next best place to look would be Daniel's office. What she didn't expect to see was the three men standing around Daniel's computer, backs turned to the door and speaking in very hidden tones.   
"Ahem!"   
All three turned around together to see Sam standing in the doorway, a small frown on her face.   
"Hey Carter."   
"Sam…hey…"   
"MajorCarter, how are your menstruation problems?"   
Sam gave a tight-lipped smile and briefly shut her eyes. Daniel and Jack both turned and looked at Teal'c.   
"Oh…they're…they're good. Thanks. So…what are you guys up to?" Sam nodded towards the computer.   
"Uh…" Daniel made a face.   
"Nothin that'd interest you Carter," Jack tried to sound nonchalant.  
"You are mistaken O'Neill, if this is truly art, perhaps MajorCarter would appreciate it also."   
"Art?" Sam raised her eyebrows.   
"I can explain…" Jack said sheepishly.   
Daniel cleared his throat, "Oh…I don't think you can Jack."   
"Sir…with all due respect, I'm aware the men of this planet think women in all states of undress are artistic…but do you really have to corrupt Teal'c too?"   
  
Jack thought about it for a moment. Pretending to ogle Internet porn was probably a better idea than owning up to writing revenge fanfiction.   
"Yes. Yes we do. It's like…frat rules."   
Teal'c threw Jack a confused eyebrow.   
"And you're going along with this Daniel?"   
"Uh…I…um…" Daniel started to stammer, "Uh…yes. I was just explaining…cultural rituals and symbolism to Teal'c and Jack just happened to bring up college fraternities and…well…I thought I should be here to supply…the uh…the correct information."   
Sam rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Men," she mumbled as she left.   
"Okay…that was close. Teal'c, why did you ask Carter to look?"   
"O'Neill, you said this fanfiction like all creative endeavors was artistic and should be appreciated by all."   
"Oh come on Teal'c! You've known me long enough to know I was lying."   
"Jack, this has to stop. Now we have Sam thinking we're perverts. Which…probably won't make much of a dent to your reputation."   
"Hey…that's Colonel Pervert to you."   
  
**X**   
Janet yawned and sat down behind her desk. Her eyes felt as though they would fall out of their sockets. No matter how much she wanted to work on the last chapter of the new story, she just physically couldn't. Janet leaned back in her chair and sighed and had a little daydream instead about bumping into Scott Bakula at the supermarket where he would be instantly smitten with her and ask her to be his wife. Janet shook her head free of the daydream and opened the first file on her desk.   
  
  


**Lie To Me****  
  
**

**by The Gabbi **

**  
  
  
I watched my beautiful Major Monroe as she silently worked away on the mysteries of other planets. She had in front of her a tangled mass of wires. I hadn't a clue what she was looking for. But there she sat absorbed, her face focused and glowing with the quest for answers. **

**Yet again I had come to her lab on the pretense of 'you need to slow down. Do you want to burn out?' I have to admit that many of the times her forced trips to the infirmary had been more for me than her. Did she even know how I felt? **

Janet stared at the page, her mouth open wide in shock. Major Monroe? The infirmary? She knew what this was. This was 'you reap what you sow'. This was karma biting her back in the ass. This was…interesting  
  
Janet picked up the phone and dialed Sam's extension.   
"Major Carter," the voice on the other end replied after three rings.   
"Sam…it's Janet. You have to come over right away."   
Sam sensed a smile in Janet's request, "What is it?"   
"It's…I can't say. Just come over…okay?"   
Janet put the phone down and dared to read the next line.   
  
**X**

  
Daniel and Jack rounded a corner only to see two coy nurses walk by and then burst into giggles as soon as they were far enough.   
"I told you it wouldn't work," Daniel said.   
"That's it, Carter and Frasier are so gonna get it."   
"Jack…you don't understand…even if Sam and Janet stop writing, the women on the base will find other authors. They probably already have. I did an Internet search last night, you have no idea how many people are writing this stuff. It's phenomenal."   
"Well I'm sure it's fascinating as a cultural phenomena Dr. Jackson but I'm finding it a royal pain in the ass. It's not only the women that are reading that stuff. Colonel Peterson cornered me yesterday and had some fun at my expense. I swear to god…if at that moment I had my gun…"   
"So...what? You're just going to confront them and tell them to stop?"   
"In a word? Yes."   
  
Jack didn't bother knocking as he got to Janet's door. The fact that the blinds were drawn and closed didn't deter him from going in at all. He was too riled up. He was going to go in there and sort things out for once and for all. What he didn't expect was to walk in and find Janet and Sam wiping their eyes, a box of empty tissues on the desk and the tissues from the box all sodden and crumpled across the desk.   
"Oh god..it's Cassie…" Daniel was quickly by Janet's side.   
Both Janet and Sam quickly straightened up at the intrusion.   
"What's wrong?" Jack said, all anger forgotten.   
"Um…actually…nothing sir," Sam said slightly embarrassed.   
"Well…then," Jack sighed and sat down, "Okay…what's going on with you two?"   
Sam handed Daniel the folder from the desk.   
"What is it?" Daniel said.   
"Read it," Janet nodded towards the folder.   
Daniel opened the folder, "Lie To Me."   
  
An hour later Daniel passed the last sheet to Jack as Jack read open mouthed.   
"She dies? After all that? She dies? Oh man…this is so going in the shredder. She goes through all that and in the end Monroe dies? Well…that sucks," Jack put the last page on the desk.   
"That was…amazing," Daniel said in awe of the story.   
"She died! How is that good?" Jack was furious.   
  
They sat shaking their heads for a moment at the story they had just read and then Daniel finally spoke.   
"Can I ask you something?" he looked at both Sam and Janet.   
Sam looked at Janet and then back at Daniel. She shrugged, "Sure."   
"You guys aren't annoyed by this?"   
"What? The story?" Janet said.   
"Yeah. I mean, Sam…Major Monroe? The doctor…they're basically based on…well…you."   
"I know, but she isn't me. I'm definitely not her," Sam started to gather up the pages.   
"Wait a minute. You saying you enjoyed this?" Jack was unable to comprehend this information.   
"It was an excellent piece of writing sir," Sam was matter-of-fact about it.   
"You both had sex!"   
"No…the characters did. It was very tastefully done," Janet wasn't phased.   
"WHAT?" Jack was on his feet, looking at Sam and Janet as though they had obviously lost their minds.   
"Jack…" Daniel said in his most calming voice.   
"Daniel? This has gone way too far."   
"Colonel?" Janet frowned.   
"Don't Colonel me Peaches and LoveJuice. The jigs up…we're on to you," Jack pointed accusingly.   
  
Sam bit her lip and Janet raised a guilty eyebrow.   
"You know," Sam's face slightly colored.   
"Yes…we know. Thanks to you both the whole base thinks me and Daniel are involved in the love that doesn't dare speak it's name," Jack's sarcasm virtually dripped on to the desk and burnt a hole though it.   
"Jack…that's…that's a surprise. I didn't think you read anything but Fishing Weekly," Daniel said surprised at Jack's knowledge of the quote.   
Jack stared at Daniel, quite dumbfounded as Sam and Janet sniggered, "Daniel…that's why everyone thinks you're gay."   
"You're the one quoting Oscar Wilde's lover," Daniel mumbled.   
"I heard that," Jack snapped.   
"Sorry."   
"Sir, in our defense, we didn't write the story that started all this off. The stories have been circulating for a while. We just jumped on the wagon recently."   
"Well, I'm ordering you to jump back off," Jack sat back down.   
"Jack, you can't order them to do that," Daniel said.   
  
Jack was back on his feet as he started at Daniel, "What the hell is wrong with you? You like all this?"   
"Jack. It's a form of creative expression. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. We don't have to read it. Even if Sam and Janet do stop writing…there's probably hundreds more that are writing this stuff out there. And Sam's right. They're just based on us. We're not them and visa versa," Daniel turned to Sam and Janet, "If you guys want to carry on with this stuff, I don't have any objections. You might want to make Levant a little more assertive though. A bit more…well...manly?"   
Jack looked at Daniel and mouthed 'manly?' and then shook his head.   
"Well…I've noticed some people like Levant to be…well…less passive than I am…I would like him to be," Daniel nervously cleared his throat.   
Jack smiled and then looked at the two women who stood there like guilty schoolgirls, "Daniel's right."   
"He is?" Sam and Janet both spoke.   
"I…I am?"   
"Yeah. Sure. They're not us. We're not them. You know what? Go nuts. In fact you make Danning as butch as you want and you make Levant as geeky as you like. You have a go."   
Daniel shot Jack an annoyed look.   
"What?" Jack grinned, "They're not you, you're not them. What's the problem?"   
"How someone could think you're gay is beyond me. You have the humor of an ass. Hardly worthy of being in the company of Oscar Wilde."   
"Hey…I'd make a crack about you being gay, but I've seen the plaid shirts. Definitely straight."   
"Sir, as much as I'd like to see where this is going…uh…I have an idea. How about if me and Janet show you drafts of what we write. That way you can tell us if something's…well…you know…" Sam waved her hand.  
Daniel looked at Jack, "Well…I'm okay with that. Jack?"   
Jack sighed, "Against my better judgment…fine. And remember…Danning…spelt with two N's. Two."   
Sam and Janet smiled at Jack. The man was smooth for sure. A charmer. A rogue. Sam wondered if she should write something shippy with Monroe and Danning. Under a different name of course.   
  
"Okay, I'm gonna go now and try not to reevaluate my sexuality too much. You both have fun, not too much though. The base is already talking," Jack grinned and tapped the file on the desk.   
"This is some piece of work. Very talented writer," Janet said looking at the front page again.   
"Ah…uh…all feedback should be directed to one Master Teal'c," Daniel folded his arms and did a raise of the eyebrows.   
"WHAT?!!" Sam and Janet both yelped.   
Daniel smiled, "Yeah."   
Janet gawped at the file. _Gorgeous and talented. Wow. _   
Sam blinked in shock "That is so…"   
"Weird? Confusing? Mystifying? A cry for help?" Jack grinned.   
"Actually, you should thank him," Daniel said.   
"We should?" Janet neatly arranged the papers in the file. Something to read again maybe.   
"Yeah. Jack, Teal'c and I started writing something as revenge and it was…"   
"Bad," Jack said.   
"Really…really bad. It looks as though Teal'c made some changes after we worked on the second draft."   
"What Daniel means by changes is, Teal'c cut out everything we wrote. Guy is such a control freak," Jack made for the door with Daniel in tow.   
"Teal'c wrote this?" Sam found her voice.   
"That's right. Former First Prime, slayer of false gods, Jaffa comedian and fanfiction writer extraordinaire. Master Teal'c," Jack opened the door.   
"Teal'c," Janet mumbled. 

Jack and Daniel left Sam and Janet just staring into space. The word Teal'c was aimlessly repeated a few more times.   
"You okay with this?" Sam mumbled after a while.   
"He wrote that my eyes beheld what felt like infinite wisdom and love," Janet said hopelessly.   
"He said though I possessed the face and body of a goddess, my heart beat the tune of a warriors heart," Sam said smiling. 

"You think that's just…fiction?" Sam looked at Janet's smiling face with it's faraway look.   
Janet turned to Sam, "What do you think?"   
"Well…writing's all about inspiration. Teal'c doesn't even watch Wormhole. And besides, when we both write, we're thinking about Levant and Danning's faces but we're pretty much watching the Colonel and Daniel. So maybe…you know…maybe Teal'c does think that we're wise beyond our years, deserved of all untold happiness's…"   
"…and as though molded from a cast of pure beauty," Sam finished.   
"You too? Oh, I love that part. Poetry. You know, I never did like Drey'ac," Janet made a face expressing her dislike.   
"I wasn't too fond of her myself." 

They both sat down. Sam picked up the file, "You're gonna make me a copy of this?"   
"You bet. Now…"   
Sam grinned, "What?"   
Janet quickly ran over and locked the door. She came back to the desk and switched the computer on. Sam smiled at Janet's wicked look as the computer booted up.   
Janet began to type when it was ready.  
  
"So…" Janet begun, "Levant is all annoyed because Danning won't accept that he has feelings. He's doing the whole repressed thing again. So they start getting all…you know…snarky."   
Sam laughed, "Oh! I've got one. And then Levant says…uh god, what was it? How someone could think you're gay is beyond me…you have the humor of an ass. Hardly worth…no…worthy…of being in the company of Oscar Wilde."   
Janet laughed out, "Oh! God…that's good. Oh and then, Danning says…hey…I'd make a crack about you being gay…but I've seen the plaid shirts. Definitely straight."   
"That is so good!" Sam shouted out.   
"Oh! I know!" Janet shrieked.   


**X**

  
Major Ross and Captain Lipman both walked by Dr Frasier's office.  
"That is so good!" came the first shriek.   
"Oh! I know," the second was ecstatic.   
Having only recently read 'Lie To Me' both Ross and Lipman turned to look at each other.   
"You think it's true sir?" Lipman stared at the shut door, "You think they're both…behind there?   
Ross sighed, "I dunno Lipman, I dunno. It's a wonder man isn't supposed to see."   
"I thought you had cable."   
"Yeah. Alice made me get rid of it," Ross almost pouted.   
"What if it is true? Maybe this Gabbi person's touching on something real," Lipman said as his mind pulled up a particularly interesting image from the story.   
"Captain, we're not going to ask, in which case, they definitely don't have to tell. And if there's a chance in hell that Monroe doesn't have to die and can find love…she should grab a hold of it with both hands," Ross said with unexpected passion, "And we'll just have to resort to using our imaginations."   
"My imagination sucks sir."   
"Lipman? That's what fanfiction is for."   


**X**

  
The SGC had changed over the previous three months. New Goa'ulds had raised their snaky heads. Various aliens had tried to cut short the life spans of certain SGC personnel. The chocolate vending machine was broken. Again. And now the commissary housed a stash of favorite fanfics in the kitchens. If you booked it in advance you could get it when you picked up your lunch. However, there were rules involved in procuring this material.   
  


**1)** All X-Treme Wormhole fanfiction is based on the show and not on the people the show is based on. Anyone caught implying otherwise will be seriously reprimanded. Plus all fanfiction will be removed from the commissary and you will have ruined it for everyone.   
  
**2)** If you are reading this material it is for your entertainment. Please do not make the point of trying to 'spread the word' or recruiting more readers. Administration are beginning to ask questions about a rise in levels of photocopier ink and paper.   
  
**3)** Please for the love of god be careful where you leave these things. If possible to do not make copies. Instead, read and return to the commissary staff. I would like to point out an incident where a certain member of staff's mission report was mixed up with a particularly erotic fanfic. Retrieval of said file was very dangerous and difficult and almost resulted in the dismissal of a member of the senior staff. At all costs these pieces of literature should not be ending up on General Hammonds desk   
  
**4)** If you are even thinking of writing X-Treme Wormhole fiction…don't. However, if you can not be dissuaded go to the following URL for a complete list of beta readers.   
http://www.peaches_lovejuice.com This may also be the place to point out that Danning is spelt with two N's, not one.  
  
**5)** A copy of the Highlander slash fic 'Two Swords Are Better Than One' has gone AWOL. Please return to CB as it is no longer available on the Internet.   
  
**6)** The person who drew illustrations on the copy of the X-Files fanfic 'The Testosterone Is Out There' please see Dr Mackenzie. You need help.
  
  


**X**

Daniel held the three thousand year old slab in his hands and looked under the magnifying glass. The writing was almost worn away. It would be difficult to make out the inscription. Daniel sighed and sat back. Behind him there was a constant tapping that had continued for the last two hours straight. Daniel turned his chair around and looked at Teal'c sitting there, back straight as he tapped away.   
"So, you've been working on this thing for a while Teal'c."   
"Indeed," Teal'c said completely absorbed in the task at hand.   
"Um…do we get to see it?"   
"No," came the simple and blunt answer.   
"Okay. Uh…why?"   
"It would be of no interest to you. This is more a personal endeavor DanielJackson," Teal'c said sitting statue still in front of the computer, his hands the only part of him moving.   
"You never know, we might…"   
"You will not," Teal'c said as in 'the answer is no, now shut up'.   
Daniel nodded slowly. He knew when no meant no. Daniel spun back to face the indecipherable slab of stone on the worktop.   
"Stupid rock," he muttered under his breath. 

Daniel had only been looking at said stupid rock for thirty seconds when the door to his office burst open. Daniel turned around to see Jack standing with a green folder in his hand and a murderous look on his face. Teal'c kept on tapping away.   
"What?" Daniel said when Jack refused to elaborate on the murderous look.   
"You said this was funny," Jack sounded as though he could kill a few people.   
"What? Dr. Levant's Diary?"   
"Yes, Dr Levant's Diary," Jack spat out.   
"It is funny. I mean I admit, he's not exactly like Dr Levant on the show, but I think he's quite funny," Daniel said quite innocently.   
"Oh yeah, he's a real peach. It's Danning I have a problem with," Jack threw the folder on to the worktop.   
"What problem?" Daniel tried not to laugh. He knew exactly what problem. What problems.   
"Okay, to begin with. There's the…you know," Jack said nodded to the folder.   
"What?" Daniel was finding it terribly hard not to smile.   
"Oh for cryin' out loud! She gave me piles!"   
  
No sooner had the word piles escaped Jack's mouth, Daniel burst out into uncontrollable laughter.  
"Oh that's right, yuck it up why don't ya! You think this is funny? I have never had piles or any other kind of anal irritation," Jack yelled.   
He regretted his chosen words as Daniel went into another fit of laughter, his face turning bright red.   
"It's okay for you. This Danais person thinks Levant's just adorable. Danning on the other hand. Why he has to be farting every five minutes is a fucking mystery."   
"Oh God!" Daniel burst out laughing again, tears beginning to roll down his face.   
"I'm banning this on base," Jack said sulkily sitting down.  
Daniel regained his composure and wiped at his face, "Why? They'll just read it at home. You can't get rid of it. Lighten up Jack. It's funny. People should get the chance to laugh."   
Jack looked at his friends unusually animated face and cracked a small grudging smile, "Whatever. I just don't see why Levant can't be disgusting."   
Daniel smiled and reached over to pat Jack on the shoulder, "Wait till you read October."   
  
Jack's eyes widen, "October's out? When?" he bee lined for the computer.   
"Teal'c, lemme check something."   
"Hey, I thought you hated it," Daniel said.   
"I never said hate," Jack said quietly, "Come on Teal'c, it'll take a second."   
"No O'Neill, you always say that it will take a second. But I have seen that you have lied on every occasion."   
"What are you doing there anyway?" Jack peered over Teal'c's shoulder.   
Teal'c promptly minimized the window he was working in, "O'Neill, this is personal," Teal'c said with a raise of the eyebrow.   
Jack frowned, "Hey, you're not still writing about Carter and Frasier are you?"   
"I am not," Teal'c said instantly, "As I recall, I never wanted to be party to that O'Neill. It was in fact your idea."   
Jack thought for a moment. Then his eyes widened in realization, "Hey! You're not writing about me and Daniel are you?"   
"O'Neill!" Teal'c said impatiently.   
"Well what is it then?"   
"A personal endeavor," Daniel said from behind.   
  
Jack sighed and moved away from the computer, "Fine. At least it's gotten you away from your Xena fixation. Daniel? Wanna grab a coffee and bagel?"   
"Actually, yes," Daniel got up from his stool, "And I'll get you a copy of October."   
"Oh man! It's already in the commissary?"   
"Two days ago," Daniel grinned.   
"Great," Jack mumbled, "Well, I guess I better not fart in public then."   
They both walked out of the office, Daniel's quiet voice still in earshot, "Or maybe you should. Might diffuse the atmosphere."   
"In more than one way," Jack replied. 

Teal'c watched the door for a moment. He then got up and quietly closed the door and returned to the computer. His attention returned once again to his current labor of love. 

  
  


**The Way of the Warrior**

** by Teel**

  
**Xena stared at the man before her. He looked as though he was carved from stone, his physique rivaling that of any god. He carried himself with an almost addictive pride. Her eyes slowly traveled over his dark skin and then met his eyes. Eyes that held secrets and horrors untold. Eyes that spoke of honor, of pride. Of love. Without speaking, his face spoke volumes. He was a warrior like her. Death meant nothing to him like her. And like her, righteousness was his sword. **

**  
"I am Xena," she said almost lost for words. **

**  
"I am Til'k. I have been sent for you from the gods." **

**  
Xena pouted a smile, "Well…thank the gods for that…"**

**-X-THE END-X-**

**FOR A MORE GRAPHIC VERSION **

**http://www.geocities.com/ms_danvers/wormholeextreme**

**THE CHAMBERPOT **

**htt://www.geocities.com/ms_danvers**

**FLAMES **

**d4nvers@aol.com**

**gene_este@hotmail.com**

**;)**


	2. Announcement

This announcement is just to say that The Chamberpot has it's own forum now should you wish to join it and make comments on anything written by Danvers, Genie or The Guild.  
  
The links can be found at our website  
  
http://www.geocities.com/ms_danvers  
  
Do drop by, dip in and sample the pot :)   
  
Danvers - d4nvers@aol.com  
  
Gene Este - gene_este@hotmail.com  
  



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